A farmer

A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.

"I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company.

"Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head.

"You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?"

"Yeah, but" stammered the farmer.

"A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly.

"Yes," Replied the farmer. Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions.

"Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said.

"Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, mate, what the hell would you have said to him?"

Guess Who?

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

Riot poo

In the early '80s, some mook thought it a great idea to place student nurses on the locked men's psychiatric ward at the Veteran's Hospital. The real nurses there were all giant men built like refridgerators, so they kept us wee girls in the office and played cards/flirted with us.

One day coming in to work, we heard a scream and saw a little tiny guy run through the ward stark naked and dripping wet with shitty feet. He was followed by a lot of other naked men and a riot started. The nurses locked us in a closet til it was over.

Turns out one of the big 300 lb murderers there had shit in the shower and made Tiny Guy stomp it down through the drain. In return, he wiped his feet on Big Murderer, squeezed his balls hard and ran away. Everyone else joined in the naked riot for the fun of it.